Zero Power

I was browsing the famous App Store on my iPhone when suddenly my wifi died. The app I was about to download insisted that it would only enter my iphone under the supervision of a high speed wifi connection. I tried to help it make peace with 3G but to no avail. It was persistent. Since I was in no mood to upset Mr. Steve Jobs I walked up to my modem to resurrect the connectivity. The modem lied on the ground helplessly. There was no glow in its face. The lights were off. It was umm..so..dead. With the assumption that somebody unplugged the power source I turned to the power outlet. Nope, all connections were fly. Perplexed by the situation I then looked at the digital clock. OMG! It didn’t greet me with its environmentally friendly green digits of horror.

There was no power in the house. Yes! You heard me – No power! None…at..all. I felt like somebody had chopped off my limb, disrupted the oxygen supply, crushed the food pipe and stabbed my heart. This was just the beginning. I was oblivious to the obstructions ahead.

The next 30 minutes would help me realize how heavily we rely on technology and energy. At home I spend majority of time gently caressing the top of the keyboard with my soft hands. I try to be as nimble and smooth with the touch as possible. After all, its a keyboard. Its the key to the rich reserves of useless conversations, vague search entries, absurd URL’s. Without it the wouldn’t be the same. When not making love to my laptop I prostrate on the sofa in front of the big screen TV. It’s a Samsung. Sam-Sung. Such a soothing name. When turned on , the device takes me to this beautiful world. It features phony news channels, disturbing emotional drama, heart breaking stories, mystical revelations, jaw dropping action. Alright..I am embellishing a little but you get the idea. Its the most fun you can have without moving a limb.

What is a person to do when both these luxuries are taken away from you?

Go Outside: Not an option due to the uncooperative behavior by the dude in the sky.  We get it – You Hate Canadians!

Read: Paper has been replaced by slick gadgets. Newspapers, books, magazines – they’re all available electronically. Heck, I don’t even have textbooks in my house. That’s because they suck!

Eat: Nobody likes fat people. If you are fat you should serious contemplate suicide. Please, its an humble request. If you can’t take care of the body god has given you then you should lose it.
Step 1: Jump from an airplane into an empty barn

Step 2: Lay underneath a stallion and let it masturbate on you.

Step 3: Eat dirt, hold your breath until you die.

Step 4: After you die grab a knife and stab yourself to ensure the death is legit.

Step 5: Repeat until you receive confirmation of death.

I digress. During those 30 minutes I contemplated heavily about unfortunate people who don’t have these luxuries. How do these people survive?  Millions in India gut through 10 hour power cuts on a daily basis. Residents of Africa who don’t know what internet or TV is. Aliens on Jupiter who eat lemons before sleeping. Priests that molest young boys without any wifi connectivity.  Poor drug dealers, locked up convicts who can’t access their facebook all the time. Myspace owners who still don’t know wtf hit them. Disgruntled anti-KFC protesters, innocent illegal immigrants, suppressed terror plotters.

How do they live their 30 minutes of ZERO POWER?